People’s Republic of Lawrence

Being a lifelong resident of Kansas, I have known for a long time that while 99% of our great state may bleed red, there is one spot in the northeast corner that remains steadfastly blue. Some conservatives view Lawrence as a thorn in their side that needs to be removed. I myself prefer to think of Lawrence as the redheaded stepchild of the state. You know the type, the son that keeps mooching off of mom and dad, because at 41 years old he still hasn’t ‘found himself.’

Over the years, I’ve heard many stories of what happens inside the Lawrence city limits. So you can image my horror when I found out that if I wanted to go back to school, KU was the only university in the state that offered the degree I wanted to pursue. What a choice…perpetual poverty with no college education, or personality reassignment John Kerry style.

In the end, I chose the money (which is what makes me a great Republican) and my family and I now reside in Lawrence, or as we like to call it, the People’s Republic of Lawrence (the P.R.L.) Having resided in the P.R.L. for just over a month now, I must admit that being a college student and chronically poor, there’s no better place to mooch…I mean live…than the P.R.L.

In the P.R.L., we qualify for free wireless Internet through the city because we have a child under 18. Of course, my daughter is 16 months old and can no more say computer than she can Hail Hillary, but that doesn’t matter in the P.R.L. You see, in the P.R.L. everyone has a ‘right’ to broadband internet access, regardless of age, sex, color, gender, weight, hairstyle, fingernail length, number of hats worn Tuesday nights or ability to operate a $1000 piece of equipment.

Now unlike communist experiments in the past…sorry, I mean socialist…better yet, progressive, the P.R.L. actively promotes ‘affordable housing’ for ‘low-income families’ All you have to do is make less than $40,000 a year, fill out a form, and wham! for only three times more than your annual salary, you too can enjoy the same great benefits as the rest of us!

It’s hard not to feel welcomed by your fellow comrades, (oops!) friends, when you move to the P.R.L. Our current neighbor finally figured out why we have been getting along so well…you see I’m a Libra and he’s a Virgo, so it’s like a match made in heaven!, I mean, a match evolved over millions of years and perfected by chance. I know this just gives you a taste of what it’s like to live in the P.R.L., so I thought I’d write a short guide about how you can tell if you live in Lawrence. I like to call it…

You Might Live in Lawrence…

If you spot an 80-year-old woman with a walker and a cellphone in one hand and an ipod in the other…you might live in Lawrence.

If your main street is named Massachusetts…you might live in Lawrence.

If you block a proposed highway by-pass to save the swampland…you might live in Lawrence.

If you like the 45-minute drive across town because it gives you time to take in the scenery…you might live in Lawrence.

If you have to park in the back of the lot because all of the front spaces are designated for new and expectant mothers…you might live in Lawrence.

If you see four ‘NO RIGHT TURN’ signs within two blocks…you might live in Lawrence.

If you see an ‘I HATE REPUBLICANS’ bump sticker just underneath a ‘DEMOCRATS LOVE EVERYONE’ bumper sticker…you might live in Lawrence.

If your infant’s social calendar is more complicated than yours…you might live in Lawrence.

If you see three generations of hippies at once…you might live in Lawrence.

If you see a ‘Save the Earth’ bumper sticker on a 1972 Pinto that makes 4 miles per gallon…you might live in Lawrence.

If you send out your cloth diapers to be cleaned just because you can…you might live in Lawrence.

And finally…

If you see a sign that warns ‘Slow Children Playing’ and demand the city not judge others…you might live in Lawrence.